I Feel Dirty
I’m struggling.
Struggling to admit to myself that a choice I’m about to make is going to be difficult to stand by. And I hate being a hypocrite. But I hate more the ignoring of my conscience and breaking so many of the ethics I have. I have known this was coming. It’s inevitable.
Y’all know my food politics. Sustainable, organic, humane… “nicey-nice” is what I call it. At home, I stick pretty close to my food politics. Our little farm takes care of most of our food needs. It’s hard work, providing food for our family while holding down jobs, but we do it because of how unhealthy and inhumane commercial food is.
But then there’s the dirty little truth. I selectively follow my ethics when it’s inconvenient. And “inconvenient” has a broad net. It’s inconvenient to follow my food ethics when I go out for a bite to eat. I live in Grants Pass, not NYC. I don’t think there’s one restaurant where I can buy a fully “nicey-nice” meal. The culprits: pizza, deli sandwiches, tantalizing carne asada, fettuccine alfredo, mocha breve, ice cream, burgers and fries. It’s inconvenient to enforce my politics when my husband or daughter wants a “treat” and we’re out and about. It’s inconvenient when we go to someone else’s home for a meal and they serve you food that is against your ethics – who wants to be one of “those difficult types”?
But back up….what does convenience have to do with ethics anyways?
If I break down the reality of “nicey-nice” it encompasses not abusing animals or people. It requires I care for the earth as it provides for me and my family. The reality of my ethics requires that I not contribute to another’s misery. It requires I follow the trail of my consumption and understand how I play a part in the wholesomeness or horribleness.
So, how can I conveniently ignore the truth when my stomach rumbles? Do I crave abuse? No, but my carelessly spent dollars ensure that animals, people and the environment are abused when I buy products that are garnered from abusive dealers.
It’s clear. Factory farming is horrifying on so many levels and it’s in almost everything we consume. And by ignoring this, I must not fucking care. I must not care if animals are tortured for my lattes and bacon burgers. I must not care if desperate migrant workers have chemical poisoning due to pesticides. I must not care about the health risks me and my family have because we eat poisonous crap. When it’s inconvenient, I must not care. I’m not dumb enough to fall for the pretty packaging and million-dollar advertising lies, so I must not care. And that is inexcusable.
I ask myself if I could bare to stand face-to-face with the abuse of animals and chow on a meal made of their misery – say dine in a front row seat while I personally witnessed their abuse. Good God! I’m not a monster.
Or am I?
My conscience is in a battle and I’m disappointed with myself. Papa Murphy’s and 31 Flavors seemed like a good idea today. Now I feel dirty. Time to clean up my act.
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Think I’m over-the-top? Take an inconvenient moment and watch a few of the videos below and you might understand my angst.
What I do is take a stand, drawing a line as far I think I can hold. The line is by no means perfect but it is better than no line; and it achieves my purposes… “of doing what I want to do and being nice to animals”.
ReplyDeleteFor example, my not buying meat but eating eggs from cage free hens, nicey-nice right, well some degree… I guess I know that the commercial egg business is in part subsidized by whole sale rooster slaughter..just at the tip of the ice berg. So my egg eating is just part of cheaper fried chicken and if it wasn’t then my eggs would cost way way more.
But I try to do the best I reasonably can and at least be heading in the right direction while acknowledging that my life will cause some other life to be put out. I prioritize the avoiding ‘putting out’ as much as I can on reasonable hierarchy of awareness. Reasonable without self-flagellation in my case because I also strive to “do what I want to do” (I would actually like to do some hunt’n’kill’n but for me my other objective has definitely kicked in my then). I believe there is a sect in India whose members carry a small broom to sweep before themselves to avoid killing insects after all what monster would allow themselves to cause crushing mutilation; more power to them I just not that good. And like the Buddhist workers in the 7 years in Tibet movie who ceased work on foundation digging until a satisfactory outcome could be found for the worms safety: Right on one day I should be less of monster ( for the record I too remove the worms in my shovels way if I see them and have time but lots I don’t see get chopped in half).
I stopped routinely killing insects trespassing in my house instead carefully gathering them so much as I usually can. I also apply a little of the wisdom I picked up from the 3 kings movie about, “whatever god puts in front of me is my main responsibility”. So I don’t stress about the worms I know other people are killing and piglets to bacon that others are doing: I just don’t buy it myself or kill it myself.. even though I love bacon.. it is difficult … and if anyone is going to throw out some bacon and waste it.. call me I’m in.
I think Benjamin (aka Anonymous) makes some solid points, but I'm not sure he speaks to the heart of your internal struggle ... ie making the ethical/moral choice when it's convenient and not when it's not. Ethics are a powerful force.
ReplyDeleteI want to ease your conscience by saying you already do so much more than others (I get really annoyed with "fad vegetarians"), but I believe you are already well aware of that. What I would like to impress upon you is that life is a journey to be lived one step at a time. Do all you can everyday, and maybe tomorrow you can do one thing more.
Besides, if your goal is living with kindness, doesn't this also mean you have to be kind to yourself. Self-flagellation isn't terribly kind.
I appreciate the feedback as both of you offer clear insights. Anonymous: yes, the hierarchy of awareness. What "God puts in front of me" is ever changing and I suppose the true task is being aware and honest of that and understanding what I can truly do. No, I can't carefully brush away insects as a Jainist would, but I am responsible to exert all effort I can. Pamela - good point about self-flagellation and one step at a time. I try to not compare myself to another as a sign of failure or success, or even to myself for that matter, as one triumph only points out another hurdle. There will always be another mountain to climb.
ReplyDeleteI am excited that my angst led to personal change and then some relief. I"m not one to live in misery very long! I started calling local restaurants and finding which ones offer faire I feel meet my ethical guidelines and was surprised to find some options in my lil' town. One coffee shop owner was very appreciative of my feedback and is going to look into offering organic dairy with his organic beans. Daisy, after I expressed my personal issues, has joyfully given up some junk she usually begged for. I made a point to create healthy alternatives at home she can have access to so she won't feel she has to be "deprived."